


Makin' Whoopee!

by AbeLincolnLover



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Aoko planned the whole wedding by herself, Australia, F/M, Hakuba is a smug bastard, Kaito is a bad husband, Kaito is an idiot, Kaito never wanted to get married, Makin' Whoopee!, except i don't write sexy material, song!fic, valentine's day fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29449944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbeLincolnLover/pseuds/AbeLincolnLover
Summary: It was all Aoko's idea to get married. Kaito, on the other hand, couldn't care less. Happy Valentine's Day, my dears!
Relationships: Kuroba Kaito | Kaitou Kid & Nakamori Aoko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Makin' Whoopee!

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day. Song is "Makin' Whoopee," sung by Ella Fitzgerald (and also many, many others).

**Another bride, another June**  
**Another sunny honeymoon**

It was Aoko's idea to have a summer wedding. Kaito, not entirely opposed to it but not entirely thrilled by the idea of a wedding _at all_ , simply shrugged his shoulders through the wedding planning as the calendar pages tore away. Closed his eyes and ate a piece of cake - "Chocolate or vanilla?" Aoko had asked, to which he stuck his tongue out and replied, "Whichever you like, _darling_!" which earned him a solid _thwap_ on his head - and scouted a heist location under the guise of looking for wedding venues. _Young and in love, how sweet it was_ , Chikage had chirped at the rehearsal dinner. Ginzo, from their left, had pulled Kaito aside and grunted something about _No Take Backs_.

Finally it was the big day - June 21, the first day of summer. A hop, a skip, and a jump towards the rest of their life together - in Aoko's eyes, at least.

Kaito could've done without all the fuss. What was a marriage, after all, besides a sheet of legally binding paper? He'd never been an active participant in the legal system, anyway.

**Another season, another reason**  
**For makin' whoopee**

He'd been courteous. He'd been polite. He let her have her fun - the hullaballoo, the rigmarole, and the hubbub. Tradition this, tradition that. He figured he ought to have been relieved. It wasn't a fancy wedding, by any means. She was a sensible girl, raised by the iron-fisted, no-nonsense Inspector Nakamori of all people. She couldn't spell "extravagant" if it punched her in the face. Opulence was Kaito's department, as the resident jewel thief (not that she knew) and he was dead set on having no part in the wedding planning. So - sensible, but traditional, it was.

 _Something old_. Aoko had fished out her mother's old wedding dress from a ratty old box in the attic and spent a chilly spring afternoon bleaching a stain out of the train. _That_ had been an undertaking, in and of itself, what with the yelling, the cursing, and the crying (mainly from his end, if only on the inside). Arguments with Aoko, which had previously registered as a 5.8 on the Richter scale had seemed to only intensify as the months ticked closer to the wedding. He prayed daily for her to come to her senses, call off the wedding, and just let the two of them elope in Las Vegas.

 _Something new_. The Hakubastard's housekeeper had grown attached to Aoko in the past years - perhaps under the false understanding that Hakuba and Aoko were a match made in Heaven - and had talked Aoko into flying with them to Edinburgh for a weekend stay at the Hakubastard's Very English Villa. Aoko, ever the responsible fiancee, was hesitant to go to a unmarried man's house alone, and had requested Kaito to accompany her on the trip. Kaito had snorted at the thought of even _blinking_ in that villa, but had thought better of it when he saw a news clip about a rare opaline clock being shown at a museum nearby. Off they went, then, to Edinburgh, whereupon Kaito had immediately slunk away from the Hakubastard's property and set out to scope the heist. Aoko was crying by the end of Saturday, so on Sunday when he was still not back, the Hakubastard's housekeeper had taken pity on her and taken her shopping where she found a lovely white pair of mary janes - the same shoes Kaito was sure she was tripping over right this second. Maybe he ought to have thought a bit more at the housekeeper's ploy in buying those shoes with her, but in the end Aoko was his girl, and not the Hakubastard's.

 _Something borrowed_. Now, this one had actually made Kaito sweat a little. Akako had lent Aoko a gorgeous necklace that was _definitely_ not cursed in any way. Kaito could still recall the chill creeping up his back when Aoko had burst through the front door, raving about the Absolutely Lovely ruby necklace Akako had been So Gracious to let her wear for her Big Day. Ugh. It had been child's play to switch the necklace out and drop the original back at Akako's castle's front step. _That_ was a problem he did _not_ need to deal with on his wedding day.

 _Something blue_. This one had bothered Aoko for quite a while, until just last Monday when she had an "epiphany" (Kaito called it a "psychotic break") and said she didn't need anything blue, because her name was Aoko. Whatever that was supposed to mean. _Women_.

This wedding was a real pain in his ass, if Kaito was to be quite frank. A whole afternoon and evening of pretending to enjoy his and her extended family members' companies. His poker face was strong, but not that strong.

Kaito was caught in the middle of planning his escape from the reception when a loud organ sounded, bringing him back to reality. There he was, in a white tux (that specifically looked _nothing_ like Kaitou Kid's - a special request from both still very much clueless Nakamoris) standing at the front of the church, staring down an aisle towards Aoko. His bride. It almost made him shudder. And then Ginzo's face appeared at the end of the aisle, right beside Aoko's, and he gulped.

**A lot of shoes, a lot of rice**  
**The groom is nervous, he answers twice**

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," Aoko chimed, radiant as the sun shining through the stained glass, drawing rosy patterns across her veil.

"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I - do," Kaito coughed out, somehow caught off guard, before quickly trying again as Aoko glared daggers at him. Sweat dripped down his forehead. Was it hot in here or was it just him? "I do."

"You may now kiss the bride."

And _that_ he did.

It was his favorite part of the wedding.

**Its really killin'**  
**That he's so willin' to make whoopee**

They ran out of the little chapel, hand in hand, a grin stretching from Aoko's ear to Kaito's ear. Married, finally. That was a check off the old to-do list. Next up was either the Marie-Louise diadem or Grace Kelley's engagement ring. Both options were going to involve extensive traveling and coordination with Jii's friends in customs. And unfortunately, neither of them were anywhere close to the random island Aoko had picked out for their honeymoon spot. "A remote location," she had explained, "because it'll be far away from any famous jewels that Kaitou Kid might want to steal. Wouldn't want that stupid thief to ruin our honeymoon, right, Kaito?" It'd been a simple thing to agree to in the moment. KID didn't need to be involved in everything they did, after all. But speaking of honeymoons...

He peered over at his wife. Kuroba Aoko. No longer Nakamori Aoko. It was surreal.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Chikage standing a little bit away from them. Kaito could almost picture his father standing next to her, and for a moment he wondered if maybe he had just given a little piece of himself up. That ring on his finger was starting to feel really tight.

But then Aoko was stomping on his foot and yelling in his ear _discreetly_ (as discreet as a Nakamori can be, anyway) to just smile for the goddamn cameras, and the thought slipped seamlessly away from his mind.

**Now picture a little love nest**  
**Down where the roses cling**

They moved right into a small house with a rosy little garden out front. Aoko was still a ticket maid, and Kaito was finding magic to be much more of a difficult career to establish a name in than he previously thought. Kuroba Toichi might have been a world-renowned magician, but he was long dead at this point which made him completely irrelevant to the modern-day news; Kaito could hardly use his family name as leverage in an increasingly competitive entertainment market. So money was tight, but at the very least they were together. The wedding was over and past, and Kaito could finally sigh a bit of relief.

It was a random godforsaken hour sometime between midnight and dawn on a steamy September night, and Aoko and Kaito were sprawled under a light satin sheet.

"Aoko," he breathed, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. "You're my favorite person."

"And you're mine," Aoko smiled back. "Kaito, can you use your magic to make this moment last forever?"

"Of course," he grinned. "I can do anything. I'm the great Kuroba Kaito, illusionist unparalleled by even physics itself! _"_

He could wrap himself up in her laugh. She's bright-eyed as she flicked his forehead. _"_ You dope. You've always been full of yourself, since we were kids. _"_

 _"_ I prefer the term 'confident.' _"_

"Yeah, because nothing can ever confi- _dent_ your ego." She stuck her tongue out at him.

He kissed her, soft and sweet. "Well, what good's being the best if you're the only one who knows it?"

"So you're the best now?" Aoko rolled her eyes sarcastically. "Watch out, your head might explode!"

" _That'd_ be a good trick," Kaito said, contemplatively.

They lay, curled in each other's arms, for a while longer. Breaths turn into minutes turn into hours. Morning comes, as it always does, and Aoko has to wrestle out of Kaito's playful grasp in order to make it into work on time. It's Monday, the beginning of the work week.

Kaito stared at the ceiling for a few hours after, wondering about something that he can't seem to fathom yet, before getting up and dressed for the afternoon. Still groggy, he yawned as he opens the fridge and finds it full of fruit and vegetables, a carton of milk on the door. A glance to the side counter finds the spice rack fully stocked. Last test - he reached over and picked up the lid of the candy jar.

It's full. He smiled.

They live a good life.

**Picture that same sweet love nest**  
**Think what a year can bring**

Aoko's crying in the bathroom for the third time that week. Usually he chalks it up to _Woman Things_ , relegating his mother to the task of negotiating the terms of the crisis with Aoko, but she's left her phone on the nightstand and thus has no way to talk to Chikage at the moment. He pondered dialing his mother's number and just chucking the damn thing in the bathroom, but another choked sob stayed his hand. He squared his shoulders. It's time to be a man, isn't it?

So instead he walked to the door and knocked. "Aoko, you okay?"

"Y..eah," she struggled out, brokenly. Jeez, what on earth happened to his wife?

"Do you want to talk to my mom?" Because he can't help but ask.

"No..." She cleared her throat. "Kaito, can you come in?"

He jiggled the knob helplessly. "The door's locked."

He could _feel_ her eyeroll. "Kaito."

The doorknob twisted easily within seconds, and he flicked his trusty lockpick right back to its hidey hole in his sleeve. He pushed the door open slowly, almost knowing what Aoko's been crying over. He's a smart guy, after all, as much as he liked to play the fool most days of the year. She's sitting on the toilet lid, holding a piece of plastic in her hand. Her face was blotchy and red. He felt his face turn white despite himself. "That's -?"

"The third one this week," she confirmed. Brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, avoiding his eyes. "All positive."

He's quiet. He can't find a response. It makes her cry more.

"I'm such an _idiot_. You always said you didn't want - because you didn't think you'd be good enough and honestly I don't think I'm going to be good enough - but I've already decided that I'm - I'm - keeping it." She wiped her eyes with her palm. "I wouldn't blame you, you know. You never wanted to get married anyway."

"Hey," he said. _That_ stung - stung like a volt of electricity coursing through his blood. "Hey. I'm not leaving you. Don't think that for a second, Ahoko. We're doing this together."

She didn't seem to have heard him for a second, still rambling some nonsense about the logistics of childcare as a single parent.

"Aoko," he said again, and he took the pregnancy test from her hands and with a _poof_ it's gone.

She blinked at him, soggy eyelashes forming soggy eyelash clumps.

"I'm gonna be a dad!" He said, beaming as bright as a full moon. "We're going to be parents!"

**He's washin' dishes and baby clothes**  
**He's so ambitious he even sews**

"Open wide!" Kaito cheered, holding the spoon as tantalizingly as he could. Two giant blue eyes blinked back at him, before a chubby mouth finally opened up and promptly spat half-digested applesauce back at him.

And then - as if to add insult to injury - the chubby-cheeked hell demon giggled.

"Shinju!" he scolded, wiping his face. "That is _not_ polite!"

More giggling.

Kaito sighed. "What am I going to do with you?" He peered up at the kitchen clock. Only a few more hours until Aoko would come home and he would have to go to work. They didn't see each other a lot anymore. Aoko's recent promotion at work left her running errands at the office longer than before with little payoff, and Kaito's hours were pretty much standard for a magician. Since the birth of Shinju he had tried to make a real effort to cut back on the hours he spent at Jii's billiard hall planning KID heists, but there was still a baseline expectation from _that_ particular nightjob regarding time investment. Halting all heists following a major development in Kaito's home life would be too suspicious and would finally be the last clue needed to pin all the crimes on him. KID needed to continue, for the sake of his family. But for now - three hours until Aoko came home.

"Let's get you washed up," Kaito said, picking Shinju up out of the high chair and carrying her to the bath, already fearing the worst...

Exactly one bubble bath later, Kaito and Shinju were _both_ clean as a whistle. He eyed his daughter, still thrashing around in the emptied tub like a maniac (she had apparently inherited her wild spirit from _both_ sides of the family tree), and then picked up the hand-me-down onesie Keiko had dropped off the other day. Unfolding it, he found a small tear in the shoulder.

 _Bakaito's such a guy, he doesn't notice these things_ , he could almost hear Aoko's voice complaining from the future. It'd be the perfect excuse, to just ignore the tear and pretend he never saw it...

But staring at Shinju crazy limbs, he couldn't help but smile. She really was just like him, wasn't she? Aoko had to be crazy to put up with the two of them...

He reached into the drawer under the sink and fished out the emergency sewing kit. Opening the box, he found some wispy thread, a bent needle, and a bullied pin cushion. Aoko had certainly been busy. He plucked the needle up and straightened it out as best he could, before threading it easily. Compared to Aoko, he was a pro at sewing. He'd sewn so many false pockets into his stage and KID suits, he could do it in his sleep. But as for Shinju - how was this the first time he'd sewn her clothes for her?

It made him feel like a bad partner (not husband, he doesn't like to use the H word), he reflected as he passed the thread through the onesie's soft fabric. Which was ridiculous to think, the other part of his brain sang, because he'd been trying so hard. Trying to be the other half that Aoko needed. Making sacrifices when he could. Making heists as _short as possible._

There. That should do it. He held up the onesie to admire his handiwork. It admittedly left a lot to be desired (okay - he never said his sewing skills were good, just that they were _infinitely_ better than Aoko's and that they were _good enough_ for his job's purposes), but the tear was stitched up and wouldn't be reopening anytime soon. He dressed Shinju, lamenting the fact that babies were _not_ cooperative in such maneuvers whatsoever, and carried her to the living room where he set her down in the playpen. He watched with swelling fatherly pride as she reached for one of the colorful juggling balls he had supplied the play area with, only to feel his shoulders sag as she began to gnaw on the ball. Figures. Babies will be babies.

Returning to the kitchen, he set about washing up the mess from lunch. He took her bowl and spoon from the high chair and set them in the sink to wash. As he turned the faucet on, he suddenly felt a ripple of something nameless course through his boy. Something he didn't like.

Something something _domestic._

**But don't forget folks**  
**That's what you get folks, for makin' whoopee**

That damn Ahoko had domesticated him! Him! The Kaitou KID himself!

His muscles tensed with the realization as he dropped the spoon into the dishrack, and he found just enough sense to shut the water off before his head gave way to spinning stars. _This_ was the niggling thing eating at him for the past year or so. _This_ was the forgotten fear that had whispered in his ear on his wedding day. He had been _domesticated_.

He really needed to do a damn KID heist right about now.

A hurling hiccup sounded from the other room, and reflexes rather than conscious thought moved his legs to carry him back. He found Shinju and the old-new onesie covered in baby barf, the baby _still puking_ and appearing for all intents and purposes to be having the worst stomachache of her life.

A sigh escaped his lips as he scooped a now-crying Shinju into his arms. Back to the bathtub, it was...

And as he scrubbed Shinju's face for the second time that hour, he tried to ignore a terrible thought -

Sometimes - sometimes more than sometimes - he really didn't like being a parent all that much.

**Another year, maybe less**  
**What's this I hear? Well, can't you guess?**

It was nine in the morning and Aoko was absolutely _livid_.

"I'm going to kill him!" Aoko screeched. "I'm going to actually kill him! That disrespectful, inconsiderate, self-centered _bastard_!"

"What's wrong, dear?" Kaito politely asked, peering up from his magic magazine ( _journal_ , he constantly corrected Aoko).

She slammed the newspaper at the table and pointed at the headline. "KID announced a heist for tonight!"

"Oh?" He was very much aware, and was very much giddy with the thought. It took all of his self-restraint not to sound _too_ pleased.

"That means dad won't be available to babysit Shinju tonight!" Aoko seethed. "Which means _we_ can't go on our date tonight!"

"Wait, that was tonight?" Kaito asked. He tried to think about the calendar in his head. He could've sworn that date was for tomorrow, not tonight? He'd been so pleased with the timing, after all. Tonight was going to be the perfect night for a heist - Aoko had taken off from work so Ginzo wouldn't have needed to babysit Shinju and - oh. Aoko took off from work _for_ the date. Shit. "We can just reschedule."

She glared daggers at him. "Are you crazy? It's our second wedding anniversary! If we do it on a different day, it won't be the same."

And _there_ it was. The stupid wedding again. He royally screwed up this time. Well, at any rate, it wasn't like it was his fault - it was KID's.

"Whatever," Aoko said, suddenly calm. "It's fine. Everything's fine. We can just have our date night here, with Shinju. Right?"

_Hell no!_

"Sure."

Thank goodness he'd become an expert in escaping night-in's with Aoko in the past years. When evening came and the sun was falling down past the horizon, he set his tried and true plan in motion. With a little sleight of hand here, a button push there -

The landline rang. "I'll get it," he said from his desk in the study, slowly moving his hand towards the phone on the desk.

"I've got it," Aoko called from the kitchen, where she'd been sweating over the stove all afternoon. He heard her distant voice answer. "Hello?"

A short conversation. Aoko's feet padded to the study.

"Jii-san's in the hospital again."

Feigned shock. "Oh no, is he okay?"

"He fell down again," Aoko looked worried. "This is the third time in the past six months that he's fallen down, Kaito. Maybe he shouldn't be living alone anymore."

"I'll talk to him," Kaito said. Then, shifting his eyes, "Do you mind if I...?"

"Of course not! He's your friend."

Kaito let out a forced sigh. "I just feel bad. You've been working on our anniversary dinner all afternoon."

"I'll heat it back up for you when you get home." Aoko brushed her hand through his hair. "Go. Be there for Jii-san."

Kaito stood up, collecting his things. Those were the words he was waiting to hear. "Thanks, Aoko. I'll be home as soon as I can."

He left the house so quick he almost forgot to kiss her on the way out.

**She feels neglected, and he's suspected**  
**Of makin' whoopee**

Aoko watched Kaito's car skid out of the driveway with wet eyes.

She understood, she really did...

But that didn't stop it from hurting so much.

Shinju gurgled from her spot in the playpen, and Aoko sat down on the floor beside the play area. Maybe it could just be a girls night, tonight. She rattled a toy in front of Shinju, who swiped it from her fingers as deftly as her father could. Aoko almost laughed.

This was the fourth night in a month that Kaito had miraculously been called out of the house for some reason.

She wasn't stupid. She knew he was a free spirit. She knew he had his job and all the responsibilities that came with it. She knew Jii was old.

She also knew Kaito was an attractive twenty-something year old who hadn't been all that crazy about having his wings clipped when they got married. She _knew_ that, goddammit. She knew the way that Akako used to stare at him hungrily during class in high school. She knew the way that his bunny-suited assistants liked to fawn over him during their rehearsals. She knew the way that he could easily wake up in any other woman's bed. She knew she was lucky.

She hoped she was lucky.

**She sits alone, most every night**  
**He doesn't phone, he doesn't write**

He called it his big break. A tour! He was finally going on tour! Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane. _A short run for now_ , he had said, _but it'll be the first of many more_.

She wasn't invited. She tried not to take it to heart. He said they were very underground, the places he was going. He'd be staying in cramped motel rooms with Jii and their equipment and there'd hardly be space for Aoko and Shinju. Heck, he wasn't even bringing along the rest of his team! Also, he mentioned that a small fry act like him probably wouldn't make the international papers. He promised to bring back some posters for her to see, but to not be surprised if she couldn't find any news online.

Quite literally, as it turned out. She refreshed her Google search. No results for 'Kuroba Kaito Australia magic tour.' Only headlines for 'KID pockets the Princess Pearl in Perth!' and 'KID swipes the Star Sapphire in Sydney!'

No news at all about Kaito. How did he sell tickets? How did he get the word out?

A rotten thought ate at her, as the days of his month-long tour ticked by. She tried to ignore it, as she flicked through the TV channels alone on the couch, night after night after night. She tried to ignore it, even as her phone stayed silent and her _Good Night_ texts remained unread.

She tried in vain to ignore it, but it all came tumbling out -

**He says he's busy, but she says -**

**"Is he?"** Aoko blurted out over lunch one day, startling Keiko. "Is he really on tour? Or is he - is he -" She steadied her rage. "Is he screwing some other woman?"

**He's makin' whoopee!**

Keiko frowned worriedly. This wasn't the first time Aoko had invited her out to lunch to talk about her marital issues. Having grown up knowing the two of them, she considered herself one of the best resources Aoko could get for an outsider's perspective on their relationship. Someone who, while not being completely impartial, was familiar with both parties and could provide an opinion without needing to be fed years and years of backstory.

"Of course not," Keiko said, instinctively. "He loves you."

"He doesn't act like it," Aoko dismissed. "He sneaks around the house all the time. I think he lies about where he says he goes when he leaves the house."

"Why do you think that?"

"Jii-san fell and went to the hospital last month. When Kaito went to visit him, he didn't drive the right way. He went left out of the driveway instead of right." Aoko put her fist on the table. "Keiko, he's been there a hundred times to visit Jii-san. He knows how to get there. He didn't just forget. And another thing." The fist clenches tighter. "Jii-san's been getting hurt an awful lot more than he used to. A little _too_ often."

"Couldn't he just be getting old?"

Aoko stared at Keiko dead on, eyes blazing with icy venom. "That's _one_ explanation..."

**Now he doesn't make much money**  
**Only five thousand per**

The doorbell rang. Kaito walked to answer it, slowly and sluggishly. He had just gotten back from Australia last night ago and was still sore from his string of heists. Moving too fast hurt. He peered through the peephole and groaned, muttering, "I'm _not_ dealing with this asshole today."

Another chime from the doorbell. "Kuroba, open up. I can hear you grumbling."

Goddammit. Kaito swung open the door, annoyance plastered all over his face. "Happy?"

Hakuba rolled his eyes and then pushed a stack of newspapers into Kaito's arms. "Want to explain this?"

Kaito stared at the top paper and read the headline 'KID Acquires Aquamarine in Adelaide!' before shoving it back into Hakuba's arms. "For the last time, I'm not Kaitou KID."

"It's a little too coincidental for me to just ignore, though," Hakuba said. "May I come in?"

"No."

"I'll take that as a yes," Hakuba replied, pushing his way in. He set the stack of newspapers down on the ground, saying, "I'll leave this with you," before walking to the living room and seating himself. He glanced to an aggravated yet quite dumbfounded Kaito, still standing in the entranceway. "Do you have any tea?"

"No," Kaito said, finding his voice. He moved to the living room. "Get out of my house, Hakubastard."

Hakuba ignored the jab. Instead he adjusted himself on the couch, getting a feel of the worn fabric. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen your living room. It's very... rustic. Homely, rather. Perhaps that's the style you've been going for?"

 _Poker face_ , Kaito reminded himself. Don't let Hakuba see that his weak snubs are hitting exactly where he wants them to. "We weren't exactly born into British nobility."

"Well, maybe now that you've had your little Tour of Australia, you might have a good amount in your savings. Maybe consider using some of it to update your house?" Hakuba suggested a little too innocently. "I'm sure Aoko-chan would agree to it. She's always sighing over interior design magazines at work." A sudden narrowing of his eyes, like a hawk that's finished circling its prey. "Of course, that's assuming you actually made any money in Australia."

"What are you trying to say?"

A knowing smile. "I know those KID heists are expensive, Kuroba."

"Maybe the guy's rich as hell?" Kaito tried. "Why would I care?"

"Maybe the guy's on thin ice right now," Hakuba suggested, curt as ever. "Maybe his wife thinks he just made a ton of money on some Australian Magic Tour that never even existed, all the while he actually just spent half their savings indulging in his criminal hobby. Maybe the wife's salary is the only money actually going towards the family's savings."

"My finances are none of your concern."

Hakuba peeled a chipped piece of particle board from the edge of the coffee table and studied it leisurely for a moment, before offering it to Kaito. "Of course not, and it was rude of me to inquire. I apologize."

Kaito swiped the chip, growing red in the face. _Poker face, poker face. Don't let Hakuba push your buttons, Kaito._ "I want you to leave."

"Happily," Hakuba said, strolling back to the entrance, before stopping and turning suddenly with a much more serious look on his face. "I do want to let you know that I didn't just come here to insult you."

"That's rather hard to believe."

"Aoko-chan talked to me while you were gone," Hakuba revealed. "She expressed some concerns."

Well, fuck. He couldn't _not_ ask, now. "Such as?"

"Simply put - she thinks you're cheating on her. She asked me to find out who the other woman is." A roll of the eyes. "Given that I already know there is no 'other woman,' I figured I'd just speak with you directly."

"Why bother tell me? Shouldn't you be telling her that?"

"You're dense as ever, I see." Hakuba sighed. "I think of you both as friends, despite your after-hours activities. As such, I'd find the end of your relationship quite... upsetting."

A blink. _What?_ "What do you mean by 'end of our relationship'? I'm not cheating on Aoko, so there's no issue. Problem solved."

"I never said you're not cheating on her. Just that there is no 'other woman'. KID counts as cheating, Kuroba."

"I'm not KID."

"If you say so."

"I'm not!" Kaito said hotly.

"Believe what you want, Kuroba. She's meeting with Keiko-chan today."

"They always get lunch together."

"Not always at Keiko-chan's office." Hakuba reminded. "Her _law_ office."

It came back to him now. After high school, Keiko had gone to law school and was now interning under the Queen of the Courtroom, Kisaki Eri. There was only one thing that a meeting like that could mean. "Aoko wouldn't. Our marriage is fine."

"Did you really think any of this wouldn't hurt her? You don't deserve her." It was a calm, matter-of-fact voice. The voice of truth.

Kaito felt his throat clench, a small waver in his voice as he bit out, "This isn't happening. You're wrong."

"You wouldn't be the first couple to get divorced," Hakuba stated. "My parents separated when I was young. Mother stayed in London and Father moved back to Tokyo. Of course, I stayed with Mother for the first ten years because it was easier, logistically."

Kaito felt himself walk away from Hakuba, back to the living room, and collapse in a chair. His entire body was numb, but one feeling broke through - Hakuba was right, the fabric was old and scratchy. He could hear Hakuba drone on and on, about the minutiae of separation and divorce, as if any of that was meant to comfort him (the reasonable part of him told him that: no, it wasn't - this was Hakuba's form of gloating). Finally, when he could stand it no longer, he interrupted Hakuba's speech (when had Hakuba moved to sit right next to him?), and said, "What about Shinju?"

Hakuba chuckled. It was weird to hear him laugh. Kaito didn't think it was possible. "Weren't you listening?"

**Some judge who thinks he's funny**  
**Says, "You'll pay six to her."**

"When I went to live in London after my parents divorced, Mother took care of me completely."

"So you dad was out of the picture for most of your life?" Kaito's eyes crept to Shinju. He couldn't imagine saying goodbye.

"Not completely," Hakuba said. "He paid a gracious amount of alimony and child support. I saw him sometimes."

"Is that what I'd do?" Kaito whispered, concentrating on the juggling balls in the playpen.

Hakuba leaned back, folding his hands together contentedly. "Most likely. I doubt the judge would rule in your favor, in terms of childcare. Given the comparison between your professions, Aoko-chan has the more stable job with the more consistent hours, correct? Although, that's assuming you'd even fight Aoko-chan for custody?"

Kaito's head whirled towards the Brit. "How could you say that? Shinju's _my_ daughter!"

"She's Aoko-chan's as well. And with your latest globe-trotting stunt, I fail to see how your lifestyle would be permissible for raising a child?"

"I'd - I'd figure it out. I'd work it out."

"No you wouldn't," Hakuba declared. "Aoko-chan is much better fit as a parent. Any judge could see that. The problem you must occupy yourself with is the question of alimony." Hakuba eyed the rolled up Australian Tour poster in the corner of the room. "How much did you say you made from your imaginary tour, anyway? And how much did you spend out on that string of heists?" Hakuba whistled. "I'd reckon it was a lot."

Kaito stayed quiet, eyes burning as he stared at the poster.

"I'm sure the judge will take your income into account when deciding the amount for the alimony. That shouldn't be a problem, right, Mr. I'm-Not-Kaitou-KID?"

**He says, "Now judge -"**

**"Suppose I fail?"** Kaito muttered out loud.

"Come again?" Hakuba said.

Kaito cleared his throat, keeping his eyes shifted carefully away from anywhere he might come into view with Hakuba's. "What if I can't pay it. Then what happens."

 **The judge says,** **"Budge right into jail!"**

"You know what happens. But I know you, Kuroba. I know you can afford it." Hakuba grinned. "You'd just need to make a few sacrifices in your personal life."

"I - I can't," Kaito shook out. "Hakuba, I can't let her do this."

"Then don't."

Kaito's out of the house in an instant, scooping Shinju up out of the playpen on his way out. He hopped into the old beat-up jalopy in their driveway, taking extra seconds to make sure Shinju's booster seat is securing her just right, and sped out of the driveway. To hell with the house. Hakuba could lock up for all he cares. He has somewhere more important to be.

He arrived at Kisaki Eri's law office in about twenty minutes, just in time to see Aoko walking out of the front entrance with a brooding, melancholic expression on her face. He couldn't seem to find a parking space, but he's at a stop sign and she's across the road, and nobody's behind him...

"Aoko!" he shouted, waving out the window, and she's shaken out of her reverie.

"Kaito, what are you doing here?" she called back.

"I wanted to see you!" Kaito nodded his head to the passenger seat. "Hop in!"

She jogged across the street and hopped in, a mess of folders and papers. She's a little red in the face. Embarrassment? Anger? Finally she settled down, still as a statue. "I guess Hakuba-kun talked to you."

He looked back at the law firm as they drove past and nodded towards it. "Aoko, is that what you really want?"

She sighed. "Of course not. Kaito, you have to understand -"

"I understand completely."

She glowered, not at all pleased with being cut off by his smart ass answer. "Then answer me truthfully: is she pretty?"

He's about to say the same thing he said to Hakuba. That there is no 'other woman'. That she's being ridiculous. But Hakuba was right. He took a deep breath and let it out. _Here goes nothing_. "I'm KID. So - yeah, in a way."

No response. Kaito turned to look at Aoko. She's just staring down at the papers, shoulders shaking.

"Aoko, I'm sorry. I should have told you." He turned onto another street.

The papers turned wet with drips of tears. Her hand reached up to wipe her eyes. "No - it's... thank you for being honest, for once."

They drove silently for a little while longer.

He spoke, carefully, finally. "I should have told you sooner."

"Yeah, you should have." There's no bite to her tone, only resignation.

He finally found a lonely curb and pulled over. He can't deal with having this conversation while driving. "Aoko, please tell me we're not getting a divorce."

She's still quiet.

"Aoko?"

The only sound was their breath, slow and steady.

"Aoko, for what it's worth - I love you. More than anything else in the world."

That seemed to spark something. She took a deep breath and finally turned to him. "I'm going to stay with my dad for the next few days."

His heart fell, and now it was his turn to be quiet. This was really it, then.

"I'll be there when you're ready to make this work." She stared at the windshield, where rain had begun to fall. Small droplets, splattering across the glass. "I love you, too."

"So this is -"

"It's not the end of us. For now," Aoko agreed. "Hopefully. We'll try again. If we both want it."

"I do." And he really, really did.

"That's all I ever wanted you to say."

 **You'd better keep her -** **I think it's cheaper**  
**Than makin' whoopee**


End file.
